Madam Sarah weighs in with your weekly horoscope.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): A case of beer is not the solution to your problems. Try another case of beer.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The answer to your question is yes: The “random” bathroom air freshener is indeed not random but instead reacting to you.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Virgo is on vacation. In its absence, it requests that you continue to do your homework and not throw spitballs at the substitute Virgo.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): It’s back to basics next week, when an unfortunate circus accident forces you to learn how to feed, clothe and bathe yourself all over again.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Look at the bright side: If you’d done a decent job of designing that airplane engine, Nicole Richie would still be commanding headlines.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would have thought that about crack and monkeys until you came along.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You will inspire a mind-numbing melodramatic Lifetime Original Movie next week when you wake up from a three-year coma to find you have an eating disorder, abusive husband and a secret twin who kidnapped your newborn.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Stop referring to your e-mail as “instant missives.” Seriously. I mean it.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Depressed? Do what Pisces does and look up what David Spade is doing these days.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): The stars indicate that you have requested help with your putting game. This is seriously your biggest problem?
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Your encyclopedic knowledge of the “Lord of Rings” trilogy will inexplicably fail to bring you love this week.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): While it’s true you sometimes must be cruel to be kind, you probably went a bit overboard with the chain saw.
— Madam Sarah