This year, as it usually does, my costume came down to two excellent options: Sexy Optimus Prime (what? I totally have the legs for it) and Ron Paul, which I've already got a jump on because I'm also an unelectable nutbar who is annoying when he talks.

I'm a pretty terrible-looking woman, which is the main reason I'm having trouble coming up with a decent Halloween costume this year. (Halloween, as you have surely noticed, especially if you've accidentally strayed into the inferior Costume Shop that apparated into the strip mall between Great Clips and the Chinese place called "Chinese Food" and will cheerfully go out of business on Nov. 2, is now accessible to just two demographics: children 0-12 and shapely youthful women who have wasted entirely too many costume parties in clothes.)


This year, as it usually does, my costume came down to two excellent options: Sexy Optimus Prime (what? I totally have the legs for it) and Ron Paul, which I've already got a jump on because I'm also an unelectable nutbar who is annoying when he talks.


But then I had a thought, while I was spray-painting misspelled anti-government slogans on a torn piece of cardboard: WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO CHOOSE? GOP presidential candidates are as sexy as the rest of us, right? Or at least as sexy as a tractor trailer that converts into a heroic robot with a magic sword? WHY NOT DO BOTH? So if you're still looking for Halloween ideas, you are welcome.


• Sexy Herman Cain: Four words: Strategically placed pizza box. Done. Oh, also you're going to want to do this one like right now before everyone but "Meet the Press" forgets who this dude is in like 25 minutes.


• Sexy Rick Perry: You mean SEXIER Rick Perry? This is an easy one, as you can basically grab a prefab Han Solo costume-in-a-bag from Target, fluff up the hair some more, adopt a Manly Drawl, start calling Halloween party a Ponzi scheme and then shrug helplessly when people ask you what you meant and say, "WHAT? I never said that! There are LIBERAL QUESTION TRAPS and this party should be talking more about job creation."


• Sexy Mitt Romney: Obviously the first problem is that you are not Mitt Romney and your hair is no good so unless you have access to secret Mormon spells you're just not going to get your mane to rest comfortably in powerful, highly executive fashion. I recommend a wig, or rubber cement, although that would make you smell funny all night. Bonus points for bringing your date as Sexy Illegal Lawn Care Person.


• Sexy Michele Bachmann: Yeah you know what it turns out there's actually no way to make screaming about "death taxes" sexy. Luckily for about a $35 donation I'm pretty sure you can just get her to show up herself.


• Sexy Newt Gingrich: A sharp white wig, a bit of additional midriff-padding and three friends to play your wives and you will be the sexiest unpleasant doughy imbecilic blob of hypocrisy in the whole room! Obviously only the most recent fake-wife gets to show up dripping in a half-million dollars of Tiffany stuff.


• Sexy Ron Paul: You could go to a lot of trouble finding "fake wrinkles" and "white hair" and "amorphous complaining" or you could locate a Yogurt costume from the official "Spaceballs" store and pretty much be done. (OK listen not all of these are going to be sexy. Should have made that clearer in the intro.)


• Sexy Rick Santorum: Is this mope even still running? I'm kind of out of column space here. You can do a Sexy Rick costume if you want but FOR GOD'S SAKE DO NOT GOOGLE THAT PHRASE FOR COSTUME IDEAS.


• Sexy Jon Huntsman: No idea who this dude is, but he's apparently a believer in "global warming" and bailed on a couple dozen of the most recent GOP debates because after two or three hundred whackjob shoutfests that "Captain America" DVD from Redbox starts looking awfully good. So apparently he's some kind of thoughtful reasoned sort, and what's sexy about that?


Jeff Vrabel is a former pizza magnate. He can be reached at http://jeffvrabel.com and followed at http://twitter.com/jeffvrabel.